The Suicide Debate

Recent happenings have prompted me to think seriously about the discomforting topic of suicide. A popular V Road student committed suicide in the last two months or so. I happened to know his family because we went to the same church. So i guess it hit me a bit harder than most of you, my audience; because it came quite close. Its one of those topics in life that are rarely thought about leave alone discussed. There is a certain fear, an inexplicable anguish that accompanies those that have been left behind.

I wonder; is suicide an act of cowardice or great heroism? Presumably it is an unpleasant experience therefore planning it, choosing the place and time, choosing the method and finally going through with it, must count for some peculiar kind of courage. A self abusing, self afflicting kind of courage, whose end result is without question irreversible.

What goes on in the mind of the deceased? What do they think is the final achievement of such an act? Is it freedom? Is it peace? Is it in some bizarre way, a form of punishment for people who might have wronged them?

With regards to his/ her family, does the deceased feel indebted towards the members? Isn’t suicide a slap in the face of those that love them and care for them? An insult towards those that have invested so much in their upbringing? If by some miraculous happening they were to be granted life again, how would they face….everyone?

Once the deed happens, what happens to the deceased’s soul? Do they receive a warm welcome from the gates of heaven or otherwise? If God knew even before creation, that someone would commit suicide why create them in the first place? What is the point of creating someone who might not finish the purpose for which they are created? On the other hand, could the suicide be intertwined with God’s purpose for that particular individual?

Finally is suicide an option for those that are left behind? Given the tumultuous nature of life on earth, the numerous disappointments, the disillusionment, the heart breaks and injustices we suffer, is suicide an option? Since no one asked us when we were born, is choosing how we die a checkmate, a victory, a tragic demonstration of our yearning for freedom?

Lets talk.

Steve

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I had no idea a student committed suicide, but I have been face to face with that reality before. A close relative attempted suicide a few years back ( I say attempted because he is still alive today) and it was the most horrible experience of my entire life. from the snide remarks of friends and neighbors behind your back, to the billion dollar question, WHY? I don't know which is worse, actually losing the person, or having them there knowing they had no real reason to commit suicide. Sometimes I think its a cry for help; a lost soul's way of calling out of their misery, other times I think it is cowardice, and other times still it is revenge. All I know is that it changes your life irreversibly, your relationships, even who you are. Like most families we never really talked about it, so it remains a cloud hanging over our heads, and our lives have never been the same. However, this fact remains: no matter the circumstance, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and all it does is hurt more than it helps. Those left behind are often left ridden with guilt, and a hurt that never washes away. You may try to paint it any way you wish but suicide is selfish, and all it does is make a bad situation worse, especially if it backfires and you have to face all those people again!!

Evah Wanjiku

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hi guys...

Calling this specific topic sensitive is an understatement, sometimes
you came to a stage in life when everything is going wrong, when it
seems like no one understand you, constant fights with your parents
over your choice of friends, how you spend money,your coming home at
the wee hours of the night , just nver ending petty issues that drives
you to pack your stuff and move out ! You come out into the world
think that at least you have some peace that life will finaly look up
only for the cycle to begin with the boss picking at you at
work,nothing you seem to do is ever right, a boy friend who never
calls or is always missing in action,not forgetting the romour that
he's been seen with so and so at such place. so you decide to
compromise coz maybe that will make him stay only to hate your self
more,...when they try to seek help from a friend who tries to rape
them, when you look at yourself in the mirror all you see is a failure
as a daughter ,an employee and a girlfriend,as a woman you convince
yourself that no one wants you, no one will ever realise your gone,
people who commit suicide think of two things

1. I will finally put an end to my misarable pathetic life, am a
failure,an embrassment,no one wants me or will miss me anyway....so
yes it is selfish.
2. They (who are left behind) will bear the guilt and the shame, the
question "why" will eat them up to their graves, they will wish they
had stretched ther hands and helped, they will wish they had stopped
yelling for one minute and listened to me.....why they dint save me.

Its people who seek approval of whom they,how much they are loved, if
anyone notices they exist at all and when they fail to get this
approval then they dont see their importance as to why they should be
alive, one thing is for sure its all a matter of choice...when you get
to choose to find your true identity in Christ and no longer look out
for the approval of a man or woman you make the choice to start over
and give life a chance.....

@muthami you asked - If God knew even before creation, that someone

would commit suicide why create them in the first place?

I think because God knows that we have a choice ! we make choices
everyday what we would eat,wear,go to school, who to date,which church
to attend etc....my belief is that God has our lives planned to the
last detail yet some of us die even before accomplishing what He had
planned for us, we live in houses that we never consulted God we
should live in ! we date poeple we never consulted God about, we study
courses and graduate from MBA'S to Phd's never having asked God if
thats what we should have studied or in careers that ...you get my
drift ! choices choices choices they change the course of
everything...

in my opinion

ciiku

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I think this issue is really complicated and needs a professional to explain it out. But I figure Steve wanted to hear a more non-professional dimension of the issue, so that's why we're discussing it.

Frankly, I don't think one can ever put their finger on precisely what causes suicide. The literature in me see suicide as a tragedy - as one of those mysteries we have to deal with and whose final answers remain the privilege of the gods (or God for the Christians). Suicide points to the other mystery of life being ours but not ours. The fact that we live our lives does not mean we have complete jurisdiction of it. So if someone takes his life, what does that mean to God (or the gods)? I don't know.

Maybe its all these unanswered questions that made suicide one of the greatest taboos in African societies, so that no rites were said for the person who died, or the remains and his property would be burnt down. I think it was the African way of accepting that there are some things we will never know.

But that does not mean we should not do anything for those who want to or try to take their lives. Our responsibility is to reduce the risk factors that push people to take their own lives as much as we can. If the person is sick, we get them treatment. If the person is traumatized, we get them counseling. If that trauma is caused by social factors, such as Bush's war that made returning soldiers more prone to suicide, we fight to change the circumstances that make people desperate. And most of all, we just love and pray.

Wandia

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Suicide is a very sensitive topic in the African context, matter of fact in any context discussed. Nonetheless, this does not mean it a new issue under the sun – suicide dates centuries away and even with modernity it is not accepted in societies and within family members – alarmingly in the African context murder is well accepted than suicide! In Nigeria, the Igbo people, would condemn the family members of those that had a family member kill them self and would perform a deep cleansing ritual for the going away ceremony of the deceased. If we bring the topic closer home, the situation is still the same suicide is not easily accepted by the society. It’s categorized as ‘bad death.’ Good death is that that can be explained and reasonably acceptable to members of the society…But the question we should dig deep into is that if suicide has been around for centuries dating back to the time of our forefathers why is it that it’s not widely acceptable, not to say that this is acceptable?

Of course statistics also reveal that as the years have progressed, suicide levels have increased significantly not just in Kenya but worldwide; this is also not surprising and I would attribute this to the rise of competition and pressure that individuals face in the work place, home and so forth – everything has become competitive, survival indeed is for the fittest and smartest! You would always hear parents telling their children to strive for the best, work hard or even ‘life is a race, if you don’t run, you will get trampled on.’

It is the mentality we generate for excellence that kills! It’s interesting, sometimes back I was working on a feature article about suicide in the Middle east, I got to interview about two thousand people from various backgrounds who have been in some way affected by suicide and the number one item that surfaced as the reason as why people commit suicide was pressure to excel and ‘be.’

So how do we change this as individuals? I firmly believe before that we cannot get to that status we have to change the mentality that we have generated, this thing called perfection or excellence then after that we should be able to sit down and trace tell a tell signs … that’s just me…

By the way – India tops the list globally amongst suicides and followed closely by Japan. Why? – Competitiveness – ever seen an exam paper for primary school students, you’d think they are applying for a university entrée exam or so forth! It’s a shame and of course Japan because of its competitiveness in the working industry …

Cheers : Irene Shabaya

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Hallo everyone!!! am more than delighted to see that ajenda afrika still continues despite the departure of the founding members. of more interest to me is the topics av seen discussed via mail...congratulations people. I hope and pray that I will one day have time to attend in person. GOD BLESS...AFRIKA MOJA!

OTIENO.

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Kenya: Valley of the Shadow of Death

A mzee I traveled with yesterday morning remarked that no one will be prosecuted for PEV 2008 because no one ever is ever prosecuted in Kenya. He argued that Pinto's, Mboya's, JM's, Ouko's murderers were never prosecuted.

It was only then that I realized that I always thought of these murders as simply political evidence of why Kenyatta was a dictator and why Moi had go; I never thought of their deaths as crimes by virtue that those men were human beings. Every time someone was assassinated or people massacred, I just thought politics; I just thought of how we need to challenge the system and get new leadership.

The mzee led me to discover that I was so heartless, but more so, to realize that surely Kenya is dripping with blood, scattered with bones and haunted by restless spirits. No wonder it was so easy to hate and kill in 2007-2008. Our consciences are dead and our minds are messed up. We can never think straight if we have not mourned, performed national rites for the dead and worn sackcloth to repent our evil. We can never think straight if politicians continue to bargain for power with how many corpses each side can produce, or to point at their own corpses to compete on who is more innocent than the other.

This isn't simply about tribalism - it's about being human. We are tribalist because we are no longer human. Killing doesn't start with the pangas. It starts when we have closed our minds to reason and our hearts to justice. We need to suspend the political issues for just one minute and see casualties as people, rather than as playing cards, otherwise we will have a blood bath come 2012. For as our ancestors taught us, restless spirits haunt the living and make the living pay dearly until they are appeased.

Wandia

The Beauty Debate

People,

Here is our discussion on beauty...
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Hello Afrikans!!

Kindly find attached a poster for tomorrows Ajenda session. This is a bit different from most sessions nevertheless we are sure it will be a great one just like the others..

A scope of it; It will be a session where people interested in tying turbans will come with a leso and we shall have a session where we learn the history of turbans..Where it all came from. We shall also learn the basic concept of tying a turban and play around with different designs.It should be exciting to have a room full of turbans...

Hope to see most of you there.. the men too are welcome. The one and only Joshu said he'll come learn then go home and teach his wife.

Good day!

Kalo

Hello there good people,

I trust you have all been well.

A short recap on Turban Day..

It was VERY interesting.We missed all of you who were not able to make it of course.

Seeing as it was our first time to hold this sort of session, we were surprised at how the Daystar ladies responded. We have to give credit to the person behind the fantastic poster (Chiso) and the publicity crew (Muthoni, Grace, William and Co)..

The session begun with a discussion on what beauty is to each of us as individuals.we all got to know each other and shared our reason for coming to this specific session..

 What is beauty? what about defines your beauty? what would happen if the things that define your beauty were no longer there? If beauty is relative, why does there seem to be one definition of beauty these days (long hair, thin, light)? Why are leso's, turbans, mwenye's ( gap between teeth) considered 'shady' or 'mama'ish' ? Why are turbans only worn on bad hair days? (Yet they are worn by royalty in indigenous African cultures)

We learned that ladies actually go through an operation to seal the gap between their front two teeth!! what would make us go through all that effort? In spite of the fact that its a sign of beauty in Africa.

 I must say most guys were a bit intimidated by the ratio of girls in the room. Many reached the door and turned back..there was one guy though who actually sat through most of the session. He shared with us his perspective of beauty which the ladies enjoyed hearing.

We then had Ndanu, Grace and I demonstrate three ways of tying a turban. All the ladies learned how to tie on on themselves as well as on their partner. It was an exciting experience for everyone... Ajenda was requested  to hold more of such sessions (mix of discussions and practical)

The questions mentioned above are worth thinking about even if you were not at the session. Any comments about the session and views on beauty are welcome as usual..

Finally, kindly find attached pictures from the TURBAN DAY session..ENJOY THE BEAUTIFUL TURBANS!

Kalo

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My people,

It’s been a while!

I hope you are all well; both those who have graduated and those who are still in school. I am glad that Ajenda Afrika is still going strong and I am planning to come down to Athi for a session real soon.

I think the turban day was a good idea and I commend the AA committee for coming up with it.

One of the things we need to reclaim as a people is our own definitions of beauty. Beauty is expressed within a people’s culture and just like cultures are diverse, so too should the definitions and expressions of beauty be. Unfortunately, thanks largely to the media, the myth of a universal standard of beauty has been widely propagated.

I witnessed two incidents recently that demonstrate the dire need for a re-definition of beauty among our people. The first one happened during my brother’s visiting day a few months ago. There was a young mother with a five year old daughter who had visited her son at the school. I could not hide my shock when I noticed that the beautiful five-year old girl was wearing a weave. Can you imagine the time and pain she underwent to have it sewn on her head? What happened to the days when five-year old girls wore beautiful matutas or cornrows done by their mothers? What blindness is in our society today that inhibits us from seeing the natural beauty of a five-year old girl? These questions disturbed me as I stopped in shock to stare at the little girl.

The second incident happened to a friend of mine who got married in April this year. On the eve of her wedding, she went to the salon to have her hair done for the big day. She wanted to put on a new type of hair extension which requires that after it has been sewn on, it be dipped into hot boiling water for it to curl. Unfortunately, the bowl of hot water slipped from the hairdresser’s hands and scalded my friend’s face. Can you imagine scalding your face on the eve of your wedding? Can you imagine having a bandaged face in all the pictures of your wedding? My friend is now happily married but that incident painfully reminds me of the pain and danger our women have to go through in the name of beauty.

I always ask myself whether pain is a pre-requisite for beauty. Does one have to go through pain to feel and look beautiful? My heart bleeds for all the burnt scalps that are as a result of chemical use, all the burnt ears that are due to hot combing and blow drying. I shed tears for all the eyebrows that have been shaven off and replaced with ‘tatto-eyebrows’, for all the backs that are deforming and getting injured due to high heels and stilettos. I shed tears because of all those tongue rings and other painful body piercings, all those tattoos that are engraved on every inch of skin-even the most private and sensitive. I mourn for all the bare backs that are goose-bumped due to cold and rain and all the tummies that are squeezed in under body suits in an attempt to look trim, yet end up restricting normal breathing. I cry out for all the stomachs that have to survive on hot water, lemon and pepper, all in the name of dieting, so as to look ‘beautiful.’ I mourn for all my mothers, sisters and daughters who have accepted this pain as ‘normal’ and ‘necessary’ in their pursuit of beauty.

But the men also have a role to play in all of this.

What would have happened if my friend’s fiancé had told her that she didn’t need a hair extension in the first place? Or what would have happened if the father to the five-year old girl had demanded that her daughter’s hair be left natural? What a woman considers beautiful is greatly affected by what the men in her life consider to be beautiful. Fathers, husbands, brothers and boyfriends have the responsibility of defining beauty for themselves, and this simultaneously impacts on the women in their lives. Our main responsibility as men is that of naming our world and defining beauty for ourselves is part of this.

The process of defining our own beauty is therefore, first and foremost, a process of reclaiming our manhood. He is an emasculated man, a shell of a man, who allows the media or other men to define beauty for him and consequently for the women in his life. Restoring our manhood will allow us to truly love, affirm, respect, protect and restore dignity to our women. We cannot adequately address this sensitive and painful issue of beauty unless we first address the issue of manhood.

We need men and not just boys; we need men and not just males!         

Muoki

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I beg to differ…

I enjoy watching the extent of pain felt when the rain falls on their skin and they feel like it's gonna come off. like the grafted kind that sees people change not only complexion but also facial features. interesting. let's not even talk about running make-up, hilarious...

i enjoy hearing a random 40-something year old elegant-looking lady say "my child now likes that weave she saw Ciara wear, i think i'm going to get it myself"

i enjoy teasing and talking ill of the straw-looking, sisal-made-weave-that-could-pass-for-a-dead-animal hairstyle (and a colleague of mine is wearing one haha, glad she's radio and not TV. lol)

I enjoy hating on weaves and wigs and complaining how bought hair is just that...bought! these are the 'don't-say-my-hair-say-shop-hair' kind of conversations. oh how i enjoy these arguments.

I also enjoy hearing a random nicely dressed intelligent-looking guy say 

"man that chic's natural hair is taaammmu!" 

Then watch the lady laugh with her friends at how the weave looks real.

I enjoy looking at the glimmer on the tongue as the piercing glints in the sun...it's not poetic, it just looks good. The many piercings, not a test of anything to me, but simply a do-whatever-you-want gesture...whether definition of beauty or not, do whatever!

See unlike when our mothers past, who would pierce their ears and put bottles, maize cobs and other cylindrical things to widen the piercing, later finding men ogling because of how 'good' they then looked, or the sudanese, who in a cultural beautification practice, 'tattooed' their faces such that they had small 'thundoz' protruding everywhere...(i could go on) i think we are at a place where history is only rewriting itself in what would be called radical but is only slight alteration of what was there.

I do not mind that the word beauty itself is concerned with the superficial, and therefore the reason why we talk of weaves, and make up, and the outward, rather than the smile, and the dark skin, and the eyes...(again, i could go on)...i could chose to be angry and castigate every opportunity at bringing the superficial to the word beauty...but that's not me.

I will instead ask that no one gets judged when he/she says

'she looks good with the nipple ring that can clearly show on her tight top, and her smile is really beautiful even with the piercing she has on her upper lip'

I could also ask that no one is made to 'conform' to standards saying beauty is keeping yourself without all these 'new' 'western' 'radical' accessories and maintaining an old traditional or natural look...and rather have everyone allowed to define beauty the way it is defined...by the beholder..whoever that is.

Macharia

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Macharia is right to some extent. The Agikuyu have a proverb that links beauty to pain: "Mwendi uthaka ndacayaga" - the one who wants beauty does not complain [about pain]. Scalding or tatooing (or even FGM) is all pain.

However, the pain from scalding for a weave differs from the tatoos of the good old days in one aspect: history. The history of "silky long hair" for those with the kinky hair is one of shame of being black and the desire to be white. On the other hand, the tatooing where marks are cut into the skin (not the colors we see on the huge arms of American thugs in Hollywood movies) is embedded in centuries of African history. I hear people saying that the younger generation doesn't feel the inferiority complex the way it was felt a few years ago. But I don't buy that, because even fashion has history and a historical consciousness. When an Indian woman wears a sari she is connected to generations of women and a fashion that evolved in her society over centuries. But when an African wears a suit, they are connected to a history of colonization.

That said, we have dandyism in DRC, otherwise known as "La sape," which is known for very flashy suits and is a uniquely African tradition. And there's the bling bling of hip hop. So I don't know what principle we can use for dressing consciously African. So far my principle is this: if a hairstyle causes me to fear the rain, pollutes the environment with plastic or costs me more than I can afford, then I shouldn't have it. I grew dreads because I wanted to stop praying that it wouldn't rain every time I came from the salon, which is a prayer no African in a rain-dependent agricultural economy should have. I started them when I was studying in the US, and they were done by an African American brother. I could have done them on my own, but he was a conscious brother whom I enjoyed talking with because he put me in touch with my blackness in a very white town. So I went every month to touch base not only with myself but also with the Africa that was brutally separated by slavery (I am a fanatic pan-Africanist).

But my latest style doesn't really have a deliberate African consciousness as such (to the disappointment of many who ask me). I just saw it on Kanye West and liked it, printed a picture and took it to the kinyozi.

Wandia

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Dr Wandia, I very much like this point;

'I grew dreads because I wanted to stop praying that it wouldn't rain every time I came from the salon, which is a prayer no African in a rain-dependent agricultural economy should have.'

On matters of beauty,

I don't know when it was that beauty stopped being just as diverse as culture is. The fact that women are going through the same things globally, to achieve beauty is a problem. Especially given that we are not all of one culture.

 What I'm saying is, there seems to be a template that as women, we are expected to fit into in order to feel and be seen as beautiful. This template is goes something like thin, heals, make up, silky smooth hair (surprisingly only achievable through weaves or chemical for Africans), light skin...and much more. Just the fact that we are slowly all looking the same, signals that there's a problem with our current definition of beauty.. and yes the men have contributed to the existing this template.

I have a friend who loves big arms. And he explicitly shares about this love with his lady friends. At first, you could see the ladies he would compliment shying off a little bit ( perhaps doubting whether its truly a compliment).. but after his consistent expression of how he genuinely appreciates big arms, its obvious how comfortable the ladies felt and probably more confident about their arms.

The problem here is not that Kenyans lack their own definition of beauty. In actual fact, Kenya itself has numerous definitions because of all our different cultures. I just think that we need to rekindle the value for our diverse  definitions of beauty. Not so that we all stop wearing weaves but so that we don't have to put on weaves in order to be beautiful, so that we don't have to be thin, to achieve beauty and so that we get rid of this template.

When we went to Muranga, the Kikuyu wazee's were very expressive about their thoughts on family, God, sex and beauty amongst other things .By the time we left there, we knew their views on everything that was discussed. Not so that we become like them but just to know and understand them for whom they are. They clearly named their world. Beauty should not be defined for you (template) you should define beauty for yourself. Name your world.

Kalo

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Interesting to vegetate on this discourse here. Allow me, withing the limited time parameters obtaining, to throw some spanner in to the works: The fact that we are having this intercourse attests that there is a problem here.

But what is it? Is it just the definition, or is it our own concepts (of beauty) that we have selectively formed over the years? Is there a difference between the 2? I'm not sure, but what I know is that a wrong concept leads to wrong understanding.

Suffice to say that beauty has never been defined the same way by two people. So I'll not indulge in the attempt to define it lest I irrigate the misconstructions. However, it is a universal law, I must say, that physical beauty is a fleeting whirlwind which is too soon replaced by wrinkles, toothless mouths, gray or no hair at all, stooping spines, sagged muscles, sunken eyes, brittle nails, etc.

So what is the concept of beauty that defies the harsh realities of the passage of time, traverses cultural boundaries, and is self defined and sustained? I guess there lies true beauty. I rest my case.

Urbanus

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Hi guys!

First of all, I love this idea Claire. Secondly, there's so much going through my head about this, I can't even articulate all of it. But I will attempt to.

Wandia, I can't get over your thoughts (I've read your contribution 4 times!). I love that you're now wearing a Kanye West inspired look..just because. No deep meaning. No looking for connection. Just because. I think it's important to allow that too. Sometimes people or women wear permed/relaxed hair just because they honestly think it looks better and it's a better reflection of who they feel they are. We shouldn't assume that they are ignorant or 'disconnected'. Afterall, isn't culture dynamic? Isn't it a bit naive of us to assume that western/global influences have not shaped our definitions of beauty? (sad but true). Actually not sad..beautiful. It's what makes the human experience so varied and rich. We can all have our definitions of beauty and appreciate them.

I believe our history (though painful) has some value, I think we miss out when we totally shun it. It's part of our make up. Whether it's our definitions of beauty or generally how we look at the world. I guess my point is, beauty is very relative and dynamic. It is not in a turban or permed hair (I think that's just a representation of our identity) but in us. Beauty is in what makes us Kenyan/African.

The only problem I have with weaves and relaxed (first of all, how is it relaxed? It's strained & burned if you ask me!) is how fast we (many africans atleast) ran to embrace anything white, we don't even protest we always see it as better. It's truly unfortunate.

Hope am making some sense!

Nduta

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This is interesting! I get all sorts of thoughts running through me as I read all of your thoughts! 

I have my own story to tell of how i got to where I am now regarding what I think is beautiful and what is not

but i will not go into that now.

Instead i want to share a true story that a close companion told me today. There is this friend of mine who so badly wants to be

an air hostess! She is very dark, the kind that nearly looks like bronze;) She is slim, just the right weight for Kenya Airways;) In short she turns many heads;) However there is a small 'problem' that pains my heart!! Airlines do not accept ladies with the African 'mwanya'-the space between the two front teeth!! Personally i find it so beautiful!! I even think that no other people can have it apart from blacks.(i'll do some research) Anyway, she has one and believe me its part of the reason the heads turn. However, she has come to hate it because it is not some Airlines' idea of beauty!! Her latest decision is to have surgery and get it removed!! 

And they call it KENYA Airways for what reason? Emirates dress their hostesses in the muslim turbans and they serve the world dont they? They serve wierd food from their countries because it is part of the experience.(1st hand experience) But because we are 'civilized' and want to be 'international', we dress our hostesses in suits, they have to have straight hair, we cannot serve uji on the plane..nyef nyef!! Lets see where our 'civilization' takes us if our girls are distorting their teeth to fit in!!

God help us!!

Blessed Weekend good people!!

Upendo,

Ndanu

I love this discussion! We need a blog to make it more manageable.

I've posted my "Kanye West" hairstyle on the Daystar Language and Performing Arts facebook together with Turban day photos.

The thing that makes this discussion so complex is the fact that beauty is determined by the individual, by society and by history. Therefore, saying that it is ultimately ME who decides what is beautiful is not entirely correct. Getting my version of Kanye West's hairstyle was my decision, but it was influenced by someone else (West) and I found it through the internet (globaliezation).So one cannot argue that they wear weaves simply because they find them beautiful. You must have seen a weave on someone for you to think it looks nice, and that someone invented the weave because they thought kinky african hair is not acceptable.

So let's be honest on that front. You may not think that long sleek hair has anything to do with white folk, partly because white beauty has been normalized, and partly because your ancestors sacrificed their lives so that you don't have to confront white people directly. In other words, you are removed from raw racism and colonialism because someone fought against it, so you don't feel the pressure to look white the way our grandparents felt it.

On the other hand, I like what Nduta said - it was so on point. Dressing "just because." The thing about colonization and racism is that it denies us black people to dress "just because." It doesn't allow us to put on the first thing we think of. Whether we dress African or European, it has to be very deliberate - because you want to make a point.

But dressing "just because" is a habit you develop. Having a Kanye West's cut was a "just because," after 8 years of wearing dreads. When I started the dreads, black people (both in Kenya and the US) would ask me why I am doing it. Some thought it was unChristian, others thought I should be straightening my hair rather than working with its kink. It used to be so bad, that sistas would stop me and say they love my hair but they don't have the guts to do it because their female relatives would object. Others would start and then give up in between because of pressure. At one point we had thought of coming up with a book in which black women tell their experiences starting their dreads. But my struggle through dreads opened the way for me to do the Kanye West "just because," because it established my reputation as someone who doesn't follow the norm (though I hear that some Daystar staff complain that I seem to get away with alot that others cant).

When I started wearing African clothes in the 90's, it was such a problem for Kenyans. Some would tell me I look like a tourist, others would ask me if I am Masai (and I would them ask if they are American since they are wearing jeans), and others would say "you look so African" (and it wasn't a compliment. In any case, am I not African? Why do I have to "look" African?) Then, wearing "African" prints and designs was deliberate. Now, I don't even think about it. When I want to buy a new outfit, I know where to go (Muindi Mbingu, Biashara street or to individual designers). I think the only people who know Kenyan fashion designers more than me are the designers themselves.

But now, many young Kenyans wear dreads without a second thought. You were kangas, kitenges, turbans :-) on an every day basis and not just for weddings.  The "just because" is result of struggle of those we know and don't know.  

So, if you wear slinky weaves and get your scalp burned (the way I used to), that's both decision and habit of both you and society. And if you are a thinking human being, you have to gather the courage to confront that decision you made or that others made. Or you can ignore it. But I don't think Claire or Muoki are being judgmental when they ask the tough questions. They are just questioning the beauty decisions we make.

This long story is already telling about the internal struggle African women go through. We need to collect our stories.

Wandia

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When i read everyone’s take on beauty, I feel even more beautiful. When God was in the business of filling the earth, we are told he spoke and it happened. NOTE this, he felt it was not complete and he
decide to create man.. aaaa he dint speak people, he created. Took his time and created. The results were beautiful hence he said it was good. He created us in his own image. Now follow this when it came to me, he put my man to sleep and formed me from his rib. Walala when my man awoke all he could say is bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh I shall call you WOMAN. He called me that without make up. A weave, plastic surgery you name them. My man called me woman in all my natural form. Now don’t get me wrong a lady can do all she wants. From make up to the rest. But she should not miss the fact that she was called woman in all totality when she was in her natural form. I am a woman and I am beautiful. Beyonce and the rest don’t define me coz my God did and my man affirmed it. He seconded the motion.

Nyambura Wahome

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This debate has been going on for ages.. Definitions of  Afrikan beauty- its the question of Iman vs. Alek Wek all over again. To me Iman is beautiful, so is Alek Wek. but their looks are as different as night and day. In her hey day, critics referred to Iman as a white woman dipped in chocolate. I forgive their ignorance because the only pictures they had seen of Somalis were those of emaciated and dirty women and children. It is doubtful their image of Somalis has changed over the years, so to them Iman remains a mutant of sorts... Unbeknown to them, Iman is a typical Somali woman, and she may not  even have been the most striking in her home area. On the other hand, critics of Alek Wek say there is nothing beautiful about her- except her flawless ebony skin. Some even go as far as calling her ugly!!
The issue of make-up is another that is very touchy. while I don't use make up myself it, I see nothing wrong with using it, in the right way. make-up is meant to accentuate your natural features, or hide a few trouble spots, not to make you look like a totally different person. As I watched TPF last night, I couldn't help but feel sorry for Palek, the contestant from Southern Sudan. Their attempt to make her look like a better version of herself failed miserably if you ask me. Her face looked a lot like village dancers do after washing off the paint on their faces-unsightly. It seems there just aren't any shades of make-up for the ebony-skinned!!!
So here's my problem. Many women out there don't look the way they want to- they look the way they think they should. That's why some go for surgery to "correct" their flaws. Others starve themselves to look thin, even others wear padded biker shorts and jeans to appear to have a fuller backside!! Don't forget about the ones who apply all manner of concoctions to their faces to appear more fair skinned...sadly some forget to bleach other visible parts and end up looking like victims of industrial accidents. It may sound funny, but for the ladies involved, the pain and struggle is real. Muoki said that a lot of it has to do with the men in their lives, and I totally agree. Take for example a lady who was told by her boyfriend that he would only commit to her if she lost weight. Ridiculous, right? well, not to him.
What people forget is that genetics plays a major role in how we look. For example, I have a very high metabolism so I can't gain much weight, no matter how hard I try, or how badly I want to. My younger sister on the other hand has a much slower metabolism, so even when she eats half my portion sizes, she has a fuller figure. Even then, lifestyle plays a big role as well, don't spend your life on the couch chowing down on junk food then blame it on a slow metabolism or genetics when you gain 50kgs, that's just wrong.
Women need to take charge of their own lives, define who you are, and what you want to be. Take care of yourself, eat right, exercise, and generally stay healthy. Then dress in what makes you comfortable and best represents who you are- and don't forget the most important accessory- confidence!!
Beauty is an outward expression of an inward thing- if you feel good about yourself, it shows in the way you walk talk and live your daily life, and there is nothing more beautiful. And as for those sorry brothers who cannot commit to a full-figured woman, you're not worth the trouble!!
So despite the encroachment of outside influence, the negativity, and all else that can be said about Afrikan definitions of beauty,  there is still hope for our people, thanks to forums like these that expose our misconceptions.

Evah Wanjiku

Wow, this is just incredible.

I think Wandia’s suggestion is spot on, we should come up with a blog where all these deep discussions can be made available to a wider audience. Blogging is a practice that has eluded all my tech-savvy, if I knew how to do it I would just create it and give you guys a link. J (Gachanja, way forward? …)

Dr Wandia, I tried looking for the Facebook group with the photos and didn’t find it. What’s the exact name of the group?

Gachanja and Urbanus posts really cracked me up. The former because of the sheer wit and the latter for using extraordinary words like ‘vegetate’ ’intercourse’ and ‘misconstructions’ with sheer abandon! This is beautiful use of language 

Some scribbles of my thoughts on beauty:

1. Dressing just because is a concept that I had never thought about until these discussions started. I remember in an earlier discussion on ‘Hip Hop’ someone highlighted that he listened to music to be just to be entertained. To experience music’s pure unadulterated pleasure without attaching a political, spiritual angle to it. I guess 500 years of injustice and atrocities have taken a toll on us as a people. It’s like we have a collective low self esteem, and insecurity. A collective need to justify all our actions lest they be deemed inhuman or afford some form of punishment.  In all this despondency who then could afford the luxury of dressing ‘just because?’ or creating music and literature ‘just because’?

But this discussion is evidence that we are getting out of that, albeit slowly.

2. Beauty as a concept has an expressive quality about it. We may chant all we want about ‘not judging’, but the fact is we cannot be beautiful in a vacuum. There has to be some form of recognition or affirmation from some quarter. That is why this thread keeps getting longer because many opinions exist on this issue. The fact that society terms some people as beautiful or ugly means that some perceptions exist in the minds of those that do it.

Questioning the source of these perceptions (misconceptions) is not an act of judgementalism (sic) but rather an act of freedom. It’s a display of dissatisfaction with the status quo and I bet its one of the first steps to change.

3. Beauty is multi faceted. The problem with our generation is that we have emphasized the physical aspect of beauty and ignored the others. Kindness, intelligence, confidence, a calm spirit, empathy, humility… are great signs of beauty in my books.

How do you describe the feeling you experience when you hold a new born baby? Beautiful Probably? What makes us feel this way? Could there be a connection between innocence and true beauty? How about being ‘natural’ and true beauty? Isn’t it funny that the multi million beauty industry thrives on products aimed at taking us as far away as possible from ‘natural’? (That’s why we have fake teeth, fake boobs, fake biceps…who knows maybe soon we’ll have fake saliva! Maybe vanilla scented!)

Finally, the willingness to live according to God’s will and to achieve the purpose for which God placed us here is a sign of great beauty. This therefore makes true beauty abit difficult to achieve. Actually, I am inclined to think that true beauty is more of a journey, than a destination.

Steve

I think Wandia’s suggestion is spot on, we should come up with a blog where all these deep discussions can be made available to a wider audience. Blogging is a practice that has eluded all my tech-savvy, if I knew how to do it I would just create it and give you guys a link. J (Gachanja, way forward? …)
 

Way forward is easy. I just need consensus that we are ready to full heartedly hop onto the blog (and hence clear our inboxes) and then give a couple of people admin access to do routine maintenance and housekeeping on the blog...

 I like some of Steve's scribbles: 

It’s like we have a collective low self esteem, and insecurity. A collective need to justify all our actions lest they be deemed inhuman or afford some form of punishment.  In all this despondency who then could afford the luxury of dressing ‘just because?’ or creating music and literature ‘just because’?

Again back to the session on education and hiphop.  I remember thinking, we didn't have 'formal' education because there was education in all we did...fetching water,(balance and swagger (of the proverbial african hips) all achieved in getting the water home!) listening to stories, dances, mock fights, apprenticeship,rights of passage etc. In all the things we did, there was some learning taking place that did not involve a classroom as we know it. So then we already had meaning inherent in our daily activities. Does this mean our 'just because' already had meaning inculcated so much so that we didnt have to stop and meditate on why we had fun (or had crazy hairstyles)? I say once in a while go out and do the unexpected, extraordinary 'just because'. If it is any comfort Dr. Wandia, I also got into a huge trouble for sporting a mohawk in Daystar (that was before mohawks became a fad)

How do you describe the feeling you experience when you hold a new born baby? Beautiful Probably? What makes us feel this way? Could there be a connection between innocence and true beauty? How about being ‘natural’ and true beauty? Isn’t it funny that the multi million beauty industry thrives on products aimed at taking us as far away as possible from ‘natural’? (That’s why we have fake teeth, fake boobs, fake biceps…who knows maybe soon we’ll have fake saliva! Maybe vanilla scented!)

I love that idea, about holding the baby, come to think of it I am yet to hear (let alone see) of an ugly baby. There is no such concept! So what changes? And at that point, the baby is toothless, boobless (not entirely but you get my point) and without biceps (enough to lift their own spoons) and drooling all over...and that is what makes them beautiful...so something changes, I dont know what but it doesnt always change for the better.

Finally, the willingness to live according to God’s will and to achieve the purpose for which God placed us here is a sign of great beauty. This therefore makes true beauty abit difficult to achieve. Actually, I am inclined to think that true beauty is more of a journey, than a destination.

If that is the case, then this journey begins with an 'A*' grade and unlike your grade in class, this journey does not deteriorate. 

Let's keep scribbling.

With Thanks

Gachanja

This is really deep stuff and very interesting to know that at least some of us have found the courage to discuss this rather elusive and 'misconcepted' topic on beauty. First, who ever uses the word 'caboodle' in this life time?Thanks for enriching my vocabulary!

I would view beauty as a source of pleasure that reveals the qualities found in an object (in this case object being the woman hope this is not offensive ) in the view of character of the spectator's sense of beauty, entirely subjective.Perhaps there is no real beauty; maybe certain modifications of matter that the mind pronounces (with smack satisfaction) as beautiful. Beauty is sincere and there's no ati a well-tested effective particular formulae,like the creams and beauty products seem to purport to us as the womenfolk.

We are all fearfuly and wonderfully made ( Psalms 139). We are all created in the image of God; He never makes junk! Every person is unique. God sees each of us as a masterpiece that fits to complete this great work. I'm sure we have all come across many of us ladies that spend more trying to find the perfect outfit, get the perfect tan, find the perfect lip gloss, and have the perfect body. While there's nothing wrong with wanting to look pretty, we need to make sure it's in balance. We would rather spend time working on how to become drop-dead gorgeous on the inside. For example,Paleki in TPF is beautiful, whatever the stylists are trying..........bad!!!!

Please so do not get me wrong about trying to look pretty like having body hairs plucke out just to keep them in shape (read tweezing eyebrows).It aint wrong to braid your hair in the latest hairstyle or wear nice clothes, makeup and jewelry; point is that is rather dangerous if we make this our major premise/unction to life.

i agree with Steve that if we work hard to make the inside beautiful (not the world concept of beauty which tainted) then the outside manifests almost effortlessly!

tada...my two cents.

Rachel

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This is indeed an amazing debate that is going on right here, which I wouldn't term as  'Redefining beauty' but bringing out the aspects of beauty that had not been pointed out. I say not pointed out because some women hve walked around bearing life scars and marks from the backfired  use of make-up in a quest of making themselves more beautiful and appealing.

I competely agree with Rachael that when God looks at all of us, He sees a masterpiece.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
 ~Helen Keller ~

I came across this interesting quote on Beauty and now I want to move from just the Beauty of things, to that of people. It is said that beauty is skin deep. It is not only what can be seen from the outside, but it goes hand in hand with the beauty that comes from within. On the other hand, these are aspects of Beauty that personally I wasn't made aware of as I grew up but it is the outward beauty that was the main focus.  

Therefore ladies, as Rachael put it, let us focus on being Drop Dead Beautiful in the inside because it will reflect on the outside and we will not look for appreciation from others to gauge and define how beautiful we are.

We are all fearfully and wonderfully made my the Master Potter Himself, whom after creating everything looked down and said that it is good!

Gladys

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